When I was a toddler, i had complications with my intestines. It’s hard to explain. The best way i could explain it is they were flipped. That strange order created pains that NO TODDLER should ever have to experience. My parents took me to the hospital and of course there was surgery. Recently I found out from my brother that when i was born, I didn’t come home right away. I remained in the hospital for a little bit before my parents finally brought me home. I wonder if that had anything to do with my intestines issue…probably. But back to my story…
The first time i noticed the scar on my belly from my surgery, i think I was 7 years old. I didn’t think much of it. After all, it was apart me. No big deal right?
Over the years, scar tissue grew due to the surgery and that caused bowel obstruction. NOT FUN!! I’ve since had 4 more surgeries due to bowel obstruction. I’ve been cut open in the same spot and it seemed with each surgery my scar got longer and longer. I avoided bathing suits, crop tops, i hesitated being naked in front of my ex-husband then boyfriend at the time…i was embarrassed by this scar. I hid that scar for as long as I could. Eventually, i wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of it anymore and i wore what i wanted.
However in 2014, i had my 5th surgery. It was for a hysterectomy, but the doctors had to go back in the very next day and clear out more scar tissue from my previous bowel obstruction surgery. NOT FUN! This last time, I remained in the hospital for a month and a half and i recovered at home with the aid of a home health nurse.
The shame and embarrassment came back once i caught a glimpse of my wound. I cried so hard. My home health nurse consoled me and reminded me that my scar is a reminder that God brought me through another surgery and that HE apparently has something for me to do. It took a while to let what she said to me sink in, but she was right. But you know what? Although my nurse was right? I still carried the shame of my scar. I don’t even know if shame is what it was…it was ugly to me. Yeah…it felt ugly.
TODAY! I woke up and i don’t know what got into me, but as i was preparing to run errands this morning, I put on my jogging pants and my sports bra and i was about to grab a t-shirt and i looked in the mirror and said, “NO! NO T-SHIRT! JUST GO!” My Instagram friend @imafreespirit was partly responsible for this surge of boldness. SHOUT OUT TO YOU, SIS!!
I went to the grocery store and you know what? I wasn’t even focused on my bare belly. I just wanted to get my groceries. LOL! You know what else? Nobody else gave a shit either! LOLOL!!
A stock boy approached me and assisted me to find an item i was looking for. I struck up conversation with a lady who visited my hometown (Ft.Lauderdale, FL) for her first real vacation. We stood there in the middle of the store laughing and talking like two old friends catching up. Another stock boy saw me going down aisle 28 and said, “Hey! You have a beautiful smile.” Then while i was reading Vanity Fair magazine in aisle 30 about Prince Harry and Megan Markle, a couple came up to me and asked, “Do you workout?” I said, “No, but i should.” We chatted for a while and it was a nice exchange. I may have a personal trainer soon.
Today, I turned my insecurity about my scar into a bold move which in turn showed me that i’ve been worrying about nothing. AND MY SCAR IS NOT UGLY! It’s a beautiful reminder that God still has me here for a purpose. Even though my scar was on full display this morning, all people saw was the true beauty from inside of me that pretty much eclipsed my scar. LOL! Now that’s what’s up! And that’s what mattered!
I hope i inspired someone today…just like @imafreespirit inspired me. Follow her on Instagram. She’s pretty DOPE!
I am Tash and I FINALLY embraced my scar today…my beautiful reminder.