CANDID MOMENT #1

FIRST OF ALL! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE LAST POST WAS IN DECEMBER 2016!!! UGH! WHY AM I PAYING FOR THIS PAGE AGAIN???? SMDH

No worries. I’ll be back at it consistently again. Not gonna say ‘I promise’ because we already see how that works around here. ((hard eye roll))

My social media handle, I.AM.TASH., is used on this website, my YouTube channel, Instagram and Twitter. Used to be on Facebook too, but I got off of there.

I post about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else except, about me. You may see pics of me here and there and you may read a tweet or two from me, but do people really know who i am by those things?

Here’s what it is. I’m working on myself and in the midst of all that, i’m learning more things about myself…some things great…some not so great. It’s hard peeling back all those layers and uncovering the ugly stuff. I’m trying so hard to be the best version of myself. With the help of my therapist, it’s a lot of work.

I don’t like revealing those things to the masses. I don’t. However, after spending time with a friend at a coffee shop, we exchanged a couple of not so great experiences and had A-HA moments and encouraged each other in the process.

I have to keep reminding myself that i’m not alone in this journey. Somebody could be going through the same thing and can learn from, be inspired from, or be encouraged from my experience. OR! Depending on who reads this and responds…you might be all those things to me as well.

OKAY!  Here we gooooo…I am the youngest of many children. You know how parents these days allow their children to voice their opinion or express what they’re thinking? Yeah…that wasn’t the set up in my household. If there was an issue…you rarely got a chance to explain your side. When there was clearly an elephant in the room, nobody addressed it. We didn’t sit down as a family and discuss what the issue was and then come to a resolve or solution to the problem. Elephants would continue to roam around in our home.

So for years of ignoring elephants…all it created was built up resentment, cliques, people not talking to each other…FOR YEARS. To this very day, there is no sense of unity in my family. Nope.

I’ve successfully learned to shove stuff under the rug, not address anything that bothers me, close people out, and move through life like nothing ever happened. Just so you know, i’m sitting on a rug with a MOUNTAIN of stuff. I recognize it and i don’t like it. I can’t continue this way and i’m doing my best NOT to continue this cycle. It’s not easy though.

Yesterday a friend contact me about hanging out later that evening. We’ve been communicating back and forth for weeks now, but we haven’t had a chance to link up and do something fun in the city because…life. He reached out and asked what i was doing and i told him my itinerary for the day. He said maybe we could link up later that evening. I got irritated because i figured if he wanted to link up later that evening, he would have a plan or an idea of what he’d like to do, but he didn’t have a plan.

When i responded to him, i came off irritated and he picked up on it immediately aaaaaaaand he called me out on it. When he called me out on it, at first i was going to do what i know how to do which is sweep it under my rug that i’m already sitting on and keep it moving. This time i said to myself…NO. TELL HIM. So i told him I was irritated and why.

We were able to dissect the issue, listen to each other, it took a little back and forth (which i don’t like by the way) and we figured it out. By the end of the conversation, we were laughing again. We didn’t get a chance to link up last night, but their was a conflict and there was a resolve.

I’m trying y’all. I’m trying. Speaking up has always been hard for me. Always. Telling people how I feel and why i feel a certain way has always been hard for me because it was something that I wasn’t encouraged to do in my family when i was growing up. The adults in my family said whatever the hell they wanted to say with zero apologies and you would receive it…like it or not. But me? Nah.

How do you undo what has been engrained in you for 40 something years? One layer at a time…that’s how. ((sigh)) I.Am.Tash…and i have a hard time speaking up, but i’m working on it.

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