Candid Moment #3

They say we are our biggest and worst personal critic. I always felt like i took my personal criticisms to a whole nutha level ESPECIALLY if I’ve done something wrong and made a mistake that effected someone else. I would seclude myself from everyone and have the worst pity party. I would begin by eating poorly. Then i’d have the incident loop in my head over and over and over, I’d stay down for about 48 hours.

Over the past couple years I’ve been seeing a therapist. The work has been hard and laborious, but i’m starting to see where it’s paying off. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Today at work I had a situation come up that was my fault.  My manager forwarded and email concerning the situation and attached his note, “Let’s get together and discuss.” Upon reading that note, I immediately wanted to take a shit at my desk. I lost my appetite and mind you i was hungry as hell before i opened this email. HOWEVER, i proceeded to eat my lunch, relieve my bowels at the proper location, and then I marched myself into his office to address the incident.

My manager talked with me today and he wanted so badly to figure out why these simple mistakes keep happening. We were both frustrated because i just didn’t have a good enough explanation for him. He informed me that he had to write me up, which i understood.

I’ve been having TOO many memory lapses and just not being able to remain focused, which is soooooo not me when it comes to handling my tasks.

After my conversation with my manager regarding next steps, I went back to my desk and did the opposite of what I would typically do. I reached out to my sister circle and asked them to pray. I maintained my cheery positive attitude (which took a HUGE effort because in situations like this my attitude would be a downward spiral of self-bashing for like 48 hours).  I continued my work, checked in with my homegirl for a quick pep-talk and I ended my day in tact. It also helped  that my weekly standing appointment with my therapist was only a couple hours away.

I got home and decided to continue my good attitude by treating myself to some popcorn only to find a bug crawling threw the kernels. Instead of losing it and spiraling out of control trashing my entire nearly full canister of unpopped popcorn…I said, “EFF THAT! I’m gonna find this bug kill it and continue on.” That’s exactly what i did. It’s like i was being tested and kept passing. HA!

After my session with Dr. Su., I devised a game plan to see a neurospecialist because quite honestly you guys, it’s really bothering me the way i’ve been forgetting and doing things that don’t make sense..not just at work, but also in my personal life…too many to name right now…just trust me.  So I will make an appointment and find out what’s going on with my noggin aaaaaaand devise a plan to tighten up at work.

Here’s the thing though,  I chose NOT to go in the direction to tear myself down. I chose to stay positive and devised a plan to correct where i could. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve seen so much growth seen i’ve been in therapy.  Not just with this situation, but ALOT.  It’s hard work holding up a mirror to yourself and working through some things, but i’m really committed to being better version of myself. I still have so much work to do and i don’t have everything figured out, but I’ve come such a long way and i’m VERY proud of that. IMG_0186

Yes. We tend to be our own biggest critic, but we need to NEVER forget to be our own biggest fan. I am Tash and I turned my ‘L’ into a ‘W’ today. Therapy is paying off.

 

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